Tuesday, 20 March 2007

The Mac Driver

I have determined that the earth should be rid of the terrible curse wrought upon engineering called the Macintosh. Uncouth white boxes of substandard design and construction masquerading as machines of function and usefulness. An arrogant slap to the face of any engineer who has produced any worthwhile machine.

I have come to the conclusion that I must aid the world in eliminating this electronic infestation. First I must have the wretched contraptions gathered into a single place, this part is trivial and far beneath the attention of a genius such as myself, what is important is how to dispose of them in a fitting manner. A means both devious and elegant in its design but still maintaining function and purpose. If I were to forgo function and purpose for form and design my grand masterpiece would be no more fitting of existence than the devices I seek to destroy.

Normally such an act of genius would be evil and self centred. So why am I committing an act of good, to rid the world of such a problem. Well not all acts can be evil, every now and then an evil genius must commit an act of good for two reasons, the first being that it reminds us of the line between good and evil as well as where we stand on it, the second and most important reason is that one good act once in a while makes that next evil deed oh, so much sweeter.

As any evil genius can tell you that such a point should be delivered in a grandiose fashion as such no like-minded individual or organisation will seek to challenge your views again, it must be demonstrated in no uncertain terms that you are right, those who disagree will be shown the error of their ways. To this end I have determined the best way to rid the planet is to get Macintoshes "off the planet".

How I hear you ask in such a voice of disbelief? ye of little faith. Well then unbelievers I shall tell you. I will begin the construction of the "Mac Driver" a giant magnetic weapon of such strength that it will propel Mac's out of the atmosphere and on a collision course with the sun. Well the sun part was the work of this man, good work number 14133583302150503315 you may have a future in this. I on the other hand was merely content to send them into the depths of the void but upon hearing this idea I was compelled to change the plan.

Well back to the driver itself, well it would need to be powerful enough to propel a 5 to 10 KG payload into HEO (High Earth Orbit) and therefore would need to be fired at escape velocity from the weapon, which is a minimum of 11 KM per second on a low ballistic trajectory, less than 10 degrees from the azimuth (90 degrees or straight up). To be on the safe side I will make the launch speed 15 KM's per second, to facilitate this I will need to add another reactor to the design.

In order to test the Mac Driver I will need to first launch a at half power, Now a Mac launched at a a high arcing trajectory that would fail to reach escape velocity would certainly fall back to earth. Such a projectile cannot be allowed to fall just anywhere, so I have decided that the Mac driver shall be aimed at Nashville (TN) in order for its first test.

Eliminating Nashville will ensure that the blood curdling twang of its guitars are never heard from again. Two acts of good in a single scheme? Well it I'm feeling generous today.

Friday, 16 March 2007

Hyphenated surnames

People with hyphenated surnames are something that really annoys me. I mean are these people so indecisive or insecure that they are unable to pick which name they like better. Surely it cant be that hard to choose a name when you get married, choose his name, or her name or keep your own damn names although I’m not sure how the tax department will deal with that but that’s really is not my problem just pick one, one singular surname. More over these “people” with hyphenated surnames tend to stride about air of elitism, noses in the air. Back in the days of Vlad (the Impaler) when one complained of the smell at Vlads level he would have them stuck on a higher pike than everyone else so that their sensitive noses would not be offended, any who I digress.

Especially Greek people, their names are long and complicated enough without combining two together like constaopalis~papadopholus. How the hell would you even fit that on most application forms, does your marriage certificate read “constaopalis~papadop” because as someone who’s simple six letter surname has never been spelt correctly on any official piece of documentation throughout my 24 years of existence, this would really annoy me to no end.

Do you know what it is, what people always get wrong, I have an X in my name, E GADS why for the love of god do people need to write three letters to get the same sound as a single letter that actually is in my name. And what is with using the tilde (~) between names, what’s wrong with a dash (-), because you have two names you are too good for a dash.

No-one is too good for a dash.